Dream a Little Dream

So, I might have had a certain dream the other night. One of those dreams where you can't be positive of what happened, but can vaguely remember parts of it.

What I do remember is me hooking up with my acting professor. Now, that's weird enough. What makes it really strange is that he wasn't really my professor. He was more like a mix of every teacher I've ever had a crush on. Crushes that go back to middle school. Seriously, the man in my dream had every attribute that I found attractive in each man. He was a conglomeration of their best features. T's sensitivity, V's sense of humor, S's douchebaggy charm, and J's looks.

Instead of being really creeped out, I realized it was a really great dream. Call it daddy issues or whatever, but I've always kind of had a thing for men that are in a position of authority--particularly a position of authority over me. It makes me feel, I don't know...safe.

There's nothing wrong with feeling safe, is there?

However, there is something wrong with how awkward I made my acting class this morning. Whoops!

Also, I forgot my phone at home this morning for the umpteenth time. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me that I'm avoiding my responsibilities. Which could very well be true.

Note to self: stop listening to subconscious and stop being so forgetful.

This is the First Time for the Last Time

I realized today that I'm a happier, more organized person when I can keep track of my thoughts and what is going on in my life. I used to write in a blog pretty consistently when I first found Myspace, but I haven't even seen it since I graduated from high school. Time to try again.

There something dreadful about being a junior. I'm not sure what it is, exactly. It could be a mixture of the feelings of fear and excitement from being thisclose to graduating. It could be the feeling of independence given to you by the professors undermined by their distrust in you. Or it could be that I'm just ready to be done, but I know I still have a year left. Let's be honest, it's probably that last one.

It's just been a weird year. First of all, I've never been so simultaneously proud and ashamed of my talent. My singing has improved so much, but will I ever actually be good enough? For my professors, for my directors, for my family, for myself? Does it ever get easier to believe in yourself?

I wish I was as good a singer as I am an actor. I just feel so much more comfortable acting than singing. Especially when I'm doing comedy. I'm not sure why, but it just comes easy to me. And I love it. So fucking much. There's a reason why my favorite days of the week coincide with my improv acting class. When I'm there, I'm not worried about what my fellow actors think of me, but when I'm singing in front of my peers... Well, I freeze.

That's the thing: I know I'm not a bad singer. It's just that I can't get out of my own head when I'm up in front of the class. Instead of thinking about what I'm saying, I'm worrying about how I sound. It's so much easier to sing when I'm in the middle of a scene. When I'm doing that (when I'm distracted by my scene partner), it's more like the song is an emphasis on the acting and not the other way around.

But I guess being a performer isn't meant to be easy, is it?

Okay, now that I've got that off my chest, I feel a billion times better.

I promise, not every blog is going to be me agonizing over whether I've got what it takes or not. That's just been eating at me for a while, and it finally made it's way to the surface.

Here, have a present to cheer you up after reading that.

theoatmeal.com

This is my new favorite. Hilarious!