This is the First Time for the Last Time

I realized today that I'm a happier, more organized person when I can keep track of my thoughts and what is going on in my life. I used to write in a blog pretty consistently when I first found Myspace, but I haven't even seen it since I graduated from high school. Time to try again.

There something dreadful about being a junior. I'm not sure what it is, exactly. It could be a mixture of the feelings of fear and excitement from being thisclose to graduating. It could be the feeling of independence given to you by the professors undermined by their distrust in you. Or it could be that I'm just ready to be done, but I know I still have a year left. Let's be honest, it's probably that last one.

It's just been a weird year. First of all, I've never been so simultaneously proud and ashamed of my talent. My singing has improved so much, but will I ever actually be good enough? For my professors, for my directors, for my family, for myself? Does it ever get easier to believe in yourself?

I wish I was as good a singer as I am an actor. I just feel so much more comfortable acting than singing. Especially when I'm doing comedy. I'm not sure why, but it just comes easy to me. And I love it. So fucking much. There's a reason why my favorite days of the week coincide with my improv acting class. When I'm there, I'm not worried about what my fellow actors think of me, but when I'm singing in front of my peers... Well, I freeze.

That's the thing: I know I'm not a bad singer. It's just that I can't get out of my own head when I'm up in front of the class. Instead of thinking about what I'm saying, I'm worrying about how I sound. It's so much easier to sing when I'm in the middle of a scene. When I'm doing that (when I'm distracted by my scene partner), it's more like the song is an emphasis on the acting and not the other way around.

But I guess being a performer isn't meant to be easy, is it?

Okay, now that I've got that off my chest, I feel a billion times better.

I promise, not every blog is going to be me agonizing over whether I've got what it takes or not. That's just been eating at me for a while, and it finally made it's way to the surface.

Here, have a present to cheer you up after reading that.

theoatmeal.com

This is my new favorite. Hilarious!