The Feeling of Something Coming

I sit by the window in my bedroom, listening to records and waiting for the rain.

There is something terrifying about a thunderstorm. Especially right before it starts. I hear the news reports--the baseball-sized hail, the 100mph wind, the flooding. I help my mom gather up candles and flashlights, crackers and water, blankets and shoes (just in case.) I make sure there is a clear path to the storm shelter while she brings in the dog. I take a deep breath because I've been dealing with storms for 21 years and it still gets to me. Still makes my heart beat faster.

Still, it can be so beautiful. The clouds above our heads swirl together, creating patterns that change as often as I blink. The sky is shades of grey and brown and green and the colors of the grass and the trees and even the asphalt seem to be so much more vivid and real. It gets darker outside and the streetlights come on early, giving the neighborhood an unusual, almost supernatural glow. The wind picks up and the trees sway and bend--a dance of foreboding. I look at the trees and understand that something is coming.

I open the window so that I can hear and smell the storm as well as see it. A gust of wind blows in, rustling the papers on my desk and bringing in the smell of rain about to fall. I shiver in the cool air, thinking about earlier when the sun was shining and I was sweating in the heat. The smell permeates my room, making everything smell fresh and clean. The world smells like it is getting ready to start over. Right now, thunder is rumbling in the distance, loud even over the music I've got playing. My record stops and in the sudden silence I realize that I can hear tornado sirens. It reminds me that even though it may not be storming here quite yet, somewhere out there the storm is showing it's power and possibly gathering strength. I feel a thrill.

I lay back on my bed and close my eyes. My heart is beating and there is a smile on my face as I lay still, hearing the first drops of rain begin to pound on the roof.

This is the First Time for the Last Time

I realized today that I'm a happier, more organized person when I can keep track of my thoughts and what is going on in my life. I used to write in a blog pretty consistently when I first found Myspace, but I haven't even seen it since I graduated from high school. Time to try again.

There something dreadful about being a junior. I'm not sure what it is, exactly. It could be a mixture of the feelings of fear and excitement from being thisclose to graduating. It could be the feeling of independence given to you by the professors undermined by their distrust in you. Or it could be that I'm just ready to be done, but I know I still have a year left. Let's be honest, it's probably that last one.

It's just been a weird year. First of all, I've never been so simultaneously proud and ashamed of my talent. My singing has improved so much, but will I ever actually be good enough? For my professors, for my directors, for my family, for myself? Does it ever get easier to believe in yourself?

I wish I was as good a singer as I am an actor. I just feel so much more comfortable acting than singing. Especially when I'm doing comedy. I'm not sure why, but it just comes easy to me. And I love it. So fucking much. There's a reason why my favorite days of the week coincide with my improv acting class. When I'm there, I'm not worried about what my fellow actors think of me, but when I'm singing in front of my peers... Well, I freeze.

That's the thing: I know I'm not a bad singer. It's just that I can't get out of my own head when I'm up in front of the class. Instead of thinking about what I'm saying, I'm worrying about how I sound. It's so much easier to sing when I'm in the middle of a scene. When I'm doing that (when I'm distracted by my scene partner), it's more like the song is an emphasis on the acting and not the other way around.

But I guess being a performer isn't meant to be easy, is it?

Okay, now that I've got that off my chest, I feel a billion times better.

I promise, not every blog is going to be me agonizing over whether I've got what it takes or not. That's just been eating at me for a while, and it finally made it's way to the surface.

Here, have a present to cheer you up after reading that.

theoatmeal.com

This is my new favorite. Hilarious!